Big Girls Don't Cry

Yesterday, Todd's parents wanted to come down and see Boden and drop off some gifts they had been "collecting" from friends. Instead of hovering around and micromanaging Boden's care (believe me, I have a tendency to behave that way), I thought this would be a great time to run some errands that I had been avoiding. You know, those in-out trips where lugging the carseat around seems like more hassle than it's worth?

I currently have a love-hate (mostly hate) relationship with the carseat as it is, so if I were to have brought Boden on my little errand spree, I might have chucked that friggin' carseat out the car window by the time it was over. So, back to Boden and his grandparents...

I had about 4 little stops to make. In preparation for my solo outing, I pumped enough milk to last at least 2 feedings or one that would satisfy a voracious baby appetite (not that it's ever occurred yet with Boden, but emergency preparedness is a good thing). I lined up all my little tasks (coupons ready, drycleaning bagged, pins in my pants to be hemmed, reusable grocery bag in hand, Caribou gift certificate poised--I could already taste my decaf soy pumpkin latte, no whip!) and was ready to jet shortly after they arrived. I knew my departure would have to be quick and unyielding like pulling off a Band-Aid, or I might abort the whole trip to stick around and stare at my little guy.

When the grandparents assured me they were set and Boden was comfortably resting in his grandpa's arms, I headed out the door and pushed away negative thoughts about everything that could go wrong (mostly absurd thoughts, but they COULD happen). I got in my trusty Volvo and headed towards Chanhassen with my heart pumping and my mind racing with urgency (over what?). As I pulled on to the highway, the tears started to flow and I thought "I've left my child alone and he's not even two weeks old...what kind of mother does that?". Remember, I thought "alone"--the rational part of me (she sits on my left shoulder)--reminded me that Boden was with his own father and two grandparents, who already raised two children and Susie is likely responsible for the upbringing of countless Minneapolis school children during her LONG tenure as a school teacher. So, alone and fending for himself against to lick happy dogs and a house of imminent danger and disaster? No. Well cared for and definitely loved.

I managed to get my errands done and tried to sip and enjoy my decaf soy pumpkin spice latte, no whip without anymore emotional outbursts because it was a little nice to be out without Boden (and I tried not to feel guilty for thinking that) but he honestly didn't leave my mind the entire time. As I was sampling cheese in Byerly's, I wondered if Boden would be allergic to dairy, when I picked out bananas I wondered if Boden would like peanut butter banana sandwiches like me...etc. When I got home (maybe an hour and twenty minutes later that felt like an entire afternoon), I was relieved to see my little sleeper with cheeks so sweet I wanted to roll them up and stuff them in my pocket so I could pull them out and squeeze them whenever I wanted. I think the next time I go out solo, I'll do better...I hope--because Boden seemed completely okay with it all.