I'm clearing a space in the closet

...for my not-so-beloved breastpump because the weaning process has finally begun! I'm practically salivating over the thought of not having to pump at work and banishing my cotton breast pads to the back of the drawer.  I have successfully (so far) eliminated the one night feeding that Boden was hanging onto (or maybe I was)--he slept like a rock when he was sick last week and didn't wake up between 9 and 11 so, I of course, didn't rouse him to nurse.  Now that he's all better, he's back to waking up at that time (seriously, the boy must set an alarm) he lets out a lonely cry (that breaks my heart) and then flops around in his crib and goes back to sleep until morning.

At times, I get all tough-lovey when Boden resorts back to his biting habits at our before-bed nursing and I come storming out of the room with tears of frustration and despair and lay down the law for Todd with empty threats:  "That's it--I'm done with this!  Cold turkey. I am done nursing, dammit!"  Like a good coach, Todd is 100% supportive, "You made it a year, babe, good job.  Good plan--cold turkey--you're done.  High five."  Then, when my little boy lets out his wail in the morning and wants to sleepily snuggle with his momma in the morning and nurse, I forget all about my proclamation of independence less than 12 hours ago...ugh.  Todd will mumble something about "thought you were going cold turkey" and I say something like, "well, I'm fine with nursing him in the morning and before bed--I just don't want to pump anymore".  Mmm Hmmm.  Todd always said I was going to be the push-over parent.

Once bitten, twice shy

Yesterday, I secured my nomination for the Horrible Mother Award. And, while I don't think I completely severed the tie that binds me to Boden, I'm certain I wore it thin.

Boden has been biting my sensitive lady parts while nursing and, if you've never had yours chomped on, a) don't and b) it really flippin' hurts. At first, it seemed purely unintentional--an accidental bite-down as he drifted to sleep and then jerked awake or a little nibble as he was readjusting his position. Occasions that of course made me wince with pain, but I could overlook and pray they didn't happen again. Yesterday, though, it was clearly intentional. We sat down for snuggle time in the afternoon and Boden bit down hard and then pulled back to look at me with a "so what do you think about that?" look. I said "No, no" and changed his position. Again, bite down, pull away and look at mama for a reaction. This time, it really hurt and brought tears to my eyes. I said "No. You do not bite mama." in a stern I-mean-business-mister tone.

And then I immediately regretted it. His face went from a look of wide surprise and then crumpled into total despair. He cried inconsolably for 45 minutes. And I cried, too.

When it was over, we went on with the day, played a bit and I thought, well, even though that was awful, maybe he learned biting mama's sensitive lady parts is not okay.

When it came time to nurse before bed, though, I realized I did greater damage than I intended. He would not nurse and screamed for half an hour before he finally just fell asleep in my arms while I rocked him.

He has nursed since this incident, but it's clear that I irrevocably changed our relationship and I'm very angry with myself. What's most bothersome is that beforehand, anticipating such an incident, I read several things on what to do if your baby intentionally bites while nursing. And, no surprise, there is conflicting advice. One confirmed what I did and the other said absolutely do not do what I did. Way to go.

What comes around goes around

I caught up with a friend who had a three week old new babe. Her family had recently left town and her hubby was back at work so she was home getting to know her wee one.

The same friend who listened half-heartedly when I told her stories from the early weeks of child rearing was reciting my same tales back to me (the overwhelming exhaustion, what really happens when your milk comes in, night sweats, lack of schedule...etc.). As I was listening to her version, I was reminded of when I was in the trenches with Boden in those first few (and sometimes horrible) weeks. I remember cursing my friends (in the nicest way possible, of course) for not giving me tips about the littlest things and wondering why no one tells you how exhausting and all-consuming a newborn can be.

Then it occurred to me--no one really cares about the details unless they have gone through it. When you're caught in the minutiae of day-to-day living with a newborn, the only people who understand and can really listen are those who have already been there. It's like a "My kid's a toddler now and I lived to tell about it" support group. I'm sure my friends who had babies before I did shared their anecdotes and warnings with me, but, I was only half listening and full of judgment (roll eyes, pass judgment: "I mean really, how hard can it be?").

I found myself giving my friend the same "oh, yeah--I remember; you'll get through it, too!" pep talk that I got from others. It feels good to be on the other side and I have a little validation that other new parents struggle, too. Whew.

(Photos: Kitchen - nearly complete and mostly usable!; Boden and Sloan playing ball).